My path is a lonely path, I wouldn’t recommend it to most people. Having a wife, two kids, and an elderly mother to care for, it’s not like I can pick up and move into a proper Taoist monastery for intensive training. Not to mention having a more than full time job as a business owner and Navy reservist. I also don’t know many people who call themselves “Taoists,” and if they do, I don’t know of any who would want to practice as deeply as I do. Well I did, but for some reason that friendship ended. Not sure why.
So that’s my dilemma. It’s lonely sometimes. Most times I’m happy with going about this mostly on my own, but the days that I can’t, I feel pretty sad. I know that I have my mentor/master and others in my group an email away, but sometimes I just want a face-to-face interaction and enjoy the nuances of a live conversation.
I’ve once wondered if I can turn back into simply a “normal” way of life. I can’t, it’s impossible. I can’t unsee what I saw, and I can’t un-experience what I experienced. I’m already deep down that rabbit hole whether I like it or not. I think I always have been.
I’ve lately felt claustrophobic and withdrawn, and I hope it passes. But one part of me just wants to take a good friend with me and just walk. Go for a hike in the woods. Be with nature. Or just simply go outside.
Maybe I just need a good drink. Or to listen to some Count Basie.