Limping

Feeling sad is so annoying.

And it happens every spring. Without getting too much into Taoist principles, spring time is a time for a lot of shifting. And for me, it’s always intense, and it sucks. And to add to that, I dumbly tend to do problematic things at the same time, which makes things a lot worse. It’s like I lose my head.

[cut to: “Where Is My Mind?” by the Pixies]

I’m struggling over here.

The last few weeks had me like…

On the outside, once you get past my swollen ass face, I look fine. But on the inside I’m struggling… limping my way through some strange crucible that I’m forcing myself through. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but I’m knocked off center and fighting an imaginary battle to get back to where I was before I sank my own claws into myself. Arrows have been shot at me, and they’re mostly my own, and I’m sitting here watching the blood slowly ooze out of my spirit.

What is this crap? Every day’s been an ongoing funeral.

Leave it to my meditation practice to help me realize that I have a sticky mind.

When my mind is sticky, it latches on to certain thoughts that are about as useful as turd on a lollipop. A sticky mind prevents you from going with the flow of the river of life because your spiritual ship is anchored by the sort of thoughts that keep disallowing you from progressing and moving on in life. That’s what people in the Zen and Taoist world mean by “attachments.” Remember that Tom and Jerry episode where Tom hits the the bulldog Spike in the face and runs, but Spike can’t get to him because he’s tied down? That’s how this feels. You want to kick the shit out of life and have a great time doing it, but you’re tethered by self-defeating thoughts.

“Untie yourself and move on,” my true self is telling me.

“NO!” I said to my true self. “I want to dwell on the past and wallow in the mud of self pity because it gives me purpose and makes me feel alive!”

“Mmmm-hmmm,” replied my true self, as he stares down at me as I do an over-dramatic wall slide to a seated position from which I wrap my arms around my legs. “You and that Kurt Cobain shit.”

Wall slide.

That conversation never happened. Nor did I do a wall slide. But it was fun to write.

But that conversation could have happened, and you get my point. When you reach a certain level of spiritual practice, you have pretty much no excuses to indulge in such self-defeating thoughts and behavior. Having spiritual awakenings does not excuse you from humanity either. As a person who’s been awakened to several insights from the works of the great sages, then meditated diligently on them, I have a much deeper responsibility for checking my own thoughts and actions as a result of spiritual work in order to “be the light.” What example would I be as a healer if I’m walking around pampering myself with misery or anger? But that’s not to say that I’ll be walking around like an emotionless robot.

I’m still human just like anyone else. I hurt and lament, too. I get sad and depressed and horny and pissed off just like everyone else… just not in that order, and certainly not in the shower. The difference is that I don’t define myself by those emotions. I don’t identify with them and mistake them as my true self.

There’s a difference between feeling anger and being angry. One is temporary, one is mistaken for the “self.” Ponder it.

Anyway, my point is that just like anyone else, I have attachments and they’re mean and lame and irritating, but they’re there. I’ve got to do a lot of work to deal with them. Sometimes we don’t though. But as long as we identify the fact that we do have them, and are at least slowly getting off the couch to do something about them, then we’re headed in the right direction. I know I am.

It’s been a rough month for me so far. So many shifts in the mental, emotional, and physical planes. Many of which are of my own doing. But these pains will pass, and I’ll move on, and be my lazy, fat, and happy self again eventually. Always.

You know, I feel better.

*shrugs*

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