Just a few days ago I became keenly aware of my feelings of grief over the loss of one of my closest friends Angela, who tragically passed away due to suicide two years ago. It would’ve been her 39th birthday three days ago. When she passed away, I allowed myself some time to grieve, but from time to time, the very thought of her would place such a heavy weight on my heart.
So I doodled in her honor… and in honor of those who’ve felt alone, abandoned, and forgotten, and have considered suicide themselves… just like me.
If not for my little daughter sitting next to me and watching me draw in absolute wonder (as a little four year old would), I’d have let loose a few tears here and there. But I allowed myself to simply be engrossed into my own little tribute to my dearest friend.
There was a story in the Book of Zhuangzi about the time when after Zhuanzi’s wife passed away, his friend Huizi went to his house and caught him singing songs and banging pots and pans on the floor.
Huizi said, “Your wife just died… the mother of your kids, and the love of your life. What are you doing banging away with those pots and pans and singing like a madman?”
“Well,” Zhuangzi replied, “when she died, I mourned just as any man would. But I started thinking about it. Before we’re even alive, our existence was completely different. We had no bodies and no spirits, we were just simply the Dao, embedded in the great pervasion of all things. But then mass congeals and spirits are created, and after that, our bodies. But in the transformation of life, just like when the seasons from spring to winter, life evolves to death, and then we go back to the great pervasion of all things, completely permeated with the universe as we were before. And for me, to go on weeping and mourning would make me feel completely ignorant of all of this. So I stopped.”
From this perspective, the universe began with absolutely no form. It was just void. But then something happened where everything was created. Including you, including me. But consider if you will, that in the grand scheme of all existence, out of all the countless tiny little pockets of time that could have possibly occurred in the universe, that you just happened to be alive at the same exact time as some of your most favorite people in the whole entire world.
Perhaps that’s how Zhuangzi felt about his wife. That’s definitely how I feel about my wife and all my friends… especially my dearest friend Angela. I’m completely and utterly grateful for the fact that I just happened to have been alive at the same time as she… and to have shared laughs and tears and love with her.
Before she passed away, she was angry with me. We didn’t talk for months. I reached out a few times during that time, but her responses were short. By the time she was starting to come around, it was already too late. The inner demons that had come and gone from her life had completely taken over, and I wasn’t there to help stop it as I had before.
There will always be times when I feel remorseful that I couldn’t be there for her before she decided to take her own life. I’ll always be ready to shed tears of grief over her. The only thing I can really do is to be grateful that the universe allowed me to have such a wonderful friend who mentored me and cherished me throughout my journey as a healer.
A loss like this is exactly why I specialize in the treatment of stress, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Acupuncture, Clinical Qigong, and spiritual guidance helps you feel less and less abandoned, while feeling more and more connected with the wondrous nature of life and existence.
The galaxy, the birds, the trees, all of nature, and I will always be here for you because you matter… and you’ll never be alone.