These are the selected writings of chaos, love, pain, loneliness, violence, regret, and anger from my scribbling journals from 1995 till now, not in any particular order. A little more detail about these excerpts are on this blog post: Diary of a Lost Planet.
I’ll be updating this periodically.
I hear him rattling its cage, howling viciously, scratching and clawing, pounding the walls of my mind as its fists bleed the ink of my pen. The darkness that I fight in this world is in my eyes. Cutting down demon after demon without a break, without a pause. I’m exhausted, smoke from the ash grinds in and out of my lungs. I want the fight to end, but the struggle will never cease.
I wanted so badly to be a “part,” to be someone’s “something” instead of humanity’s punching bag. It’s never meant to be a world I picture other than the world that it is. When I release the beast, the skies crash and dark dimensions crumble. That’s why they sent me into this war alone.
Anger is a mask for sadness and grief. But sometimes it’s a being of its very own.
Fully embrace it. Allow the beast to be a part of you. It’s the only way you can tame it.
It gets really hard sometimes. The world is a boxing ring and I’m fighting everyone on the planet for 15 rounds. And there’s never a winner. Well, at least I never am. There are times when I’ve taken too many shots to the kidneys. And sometimes the world is standing over me taunting me to get back up so everyone can kick the shit out of me more. And like a sucker, I do get back up, only to be dehumanized and humiliated over and over and over again. Virtually every day I think about throwing in the towel. But I don’t, and I keep taking the blows.
But when the day is over, I come home to you.
And even though I’m a blood-soaked, punch-drunk loser, you still give me that smile and that “welcome home” hug.
And you make me feel like a champ.
That’s why I believe in you.
That’s why I believe in love.
The beaches are overwhelmed with the lost souls
Of the Surface Dwellers of our world
As the shore scores with its pretentious waves
Onto brittle enchanting kingdoms
The inland’s streets illuminate with
The Urgency of Reality
Radiating a true brilliance of its own
Yet no one can be seen
Looking into your eyes for the first time was a forbidden moment from which I had to turn away. I can’t look into your eyes ever again, because the moment I do, I’ll feel the starlight hum and hear the moonlight swoon. The heavens will shatter. I’ll forget who I am. It’ll be torture. With you being the most beautiful presence on earth, the universe is playing a cruel and vindictive joke on me. I want to be with you and gaze at you and be in awe of you all day. But I can’t. And you can’t. Even if you can, eventually you won’t. I don’t know if you will be able to handle me. I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle my desperate longing to talk to someone during the suffocating nights that feel like a kick to the chest. I don’t know if you’d want to know the real me… the “me” that lies deep inside of what’s left of this little shell of a man who’s sick of this cruel, blood-soaked world. The same world that devoured me and left me for dead. You’ll realize soon enough that all I know is wrath. Would you really wanna be around someone like me? I don’t blame you. And this is why I stay alone.
Every day his eyes were seething with agony. The longing to feel reconnected with humanity shows in his desperate stares into nothingness. He suffers night after crippling night alone on the floor, with his arms wrapped around his legs and his head buried into his knees, imagining what it must feel like to be hugged by someone. He just wanted someone to know that he exists. He longed for a friend. One night he almost ended it all, but realized that no one would even notice.
My Childhood toy’s black eyes glare at me, overcoming me with nostalgic tidal waves that violently knock me into the arms of time as I fall wistfully into the innocence of childhood (White. White was the color of the puffy cotton balls in the sky that seemed to float along the pink horizon as the bright master of light descended from the heavens).
When I look in the mirror I notice that the frown lines have carved themselves deeply in between my eyebrows. I still care. Where’s the kid I once was, and the kid I always wanted to be? He still lives inside of me. Cold, lost, alone, and almost forgotten.
You’re my entire reality.
Your touch cauterizes my every wound. You bring me into a world of forbidden luminescence. When I close my eyes I hear your soft whispers and the scent of your light perfume. My rain-soaked heart rises from obscurity when the soft skin of your cheek touches mine. I can feel our souls merge by the mere taste of your lips. I feel myself playing with your hair and letting every strand fall lightly onto my face. My youthful innocence tickles my soul when we lay together and hold hands in the grass as we stare up at the limitless sky.
But why can’t I still be with you?
You don’t need me to tell you how I feel about you, and to waste your time with all the things you already know. We’ve worked so hard to build our lives. Our seemingly harmless fascination is becoming almost uncontrollable, but our loyalty to our own homes keeps us under control.
I don’t want to wait for you, but I will. I don’t want to forget about you, because I can’t. I don’t want any of this to end, but it will. I don’t know how you truly feel about me, and I don’t want to know.
I don’t want to change you or to change anything in our own worlds. I want us to move on. I want you to move on. Our friendship is so young and innocent. It’s too intense, and I can feel us losing control. We’re out of control.
I don’t want this fascination to end, but it should. I don’t want us to end, but we will. I don’t want to give it all up, but we’re forever changed. I don’t know how I truly feel about you, and I don’t want to know.
I just want to know if everything is alright in your world. I just want to know if everything is alright with you. You’re so young, but not young enough to destroy everything you have.
None of us are.
I can still feel her slashing my heart and draining my soul. The trembling. The sinking feeling of shame and self-loathing that comes from knowing that the one to whom you gave your entire universe coldly laughed in your face. The bloodshot eyes. Food tasting like cardboard and mud. The blood-soaked knuckles from punching the walls that cave in on you as your mind floods itself with memories of her. The overwhelming emptiness that you feel when you see a place that reminds you of the times when you felt her touch and gazed helplessly into her eyes. The yearning to hear her voice. The false sense of hope that makes your heart jump every time you hear the phone ring. The resounding anguish that overcomes you when you know that someone else is holding her hand and whispering lovingly into her ear.
Yes, I’ve been there, man. I feel your despair.
There was always something in the air. Burning. Scorching. Napalm-laced screams from those victimized by the darkest of man’s nature. Jealousy. Fear. Hate. Anger. I could smell it a mile away. I smelled you a mile away. And then you stood before me. You sank your teeth into me and spat my own blood in my face. It was the day I came to grips with my humanity. It was then when I realized my innocence was lost.
My longing for acceptance turned into resentment. My hopes and dreams turned into compromise. I traded happiness for discontentment. And I traded love for hatred. Just like everyone in the world. Just like you.
I saw her walking towards me from forever away.
The warm summer breeze whispering gently through her hair.
She glowed like an angel under the passionate light of the moon, illuminating the crowded boulevard the way a goddess pulls light from thin air.
Intense and beautiful.
Intriguing and captivating in every way.
I wondered what it feels like to see her smile and to make her laugh.
I wondered what it would be like to hear her whisper my name.
I’m just a broken man, limping through the song of life, looking for a way to mend my heart.
As she walked by me, our eyes met and time stood still.
She looked up at me and smiled, completely unaware of the fact that she made my heart sigh.
I turned my head as she floated past me, and watched her gracefully fade away into the evening city crowd.
And for the first time in an eternity, I felt the stars shine and the moonlight sing. For just one fleeting moment, her smile made me forget that I was walking home to spend another heartwrenching night alone.
I used to see her everyday, but not anymore now. She left him two weeks ago. Since then he refused to look at me, not even a peek. I’m not sure if he was ready to face me. He was a mess, but never cared to look my way to make sure.
It was like an ongoing funeral. It was tough to watch this guy spend grueling night after grueling night alone.
The other night it was dim inside the bedroom, but I saw him curled up in the corner in the candlelight. He finally looked at me looking at him. He staggered over to me and that’s when I noticed it. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess. It almost looked like every part of his body was falling apart. Decaying. I can see the veins in his head, in his chest. Blood pumping fire. His body trembling with despair. He placed his hands on me and whispered softly, “Don’t leave me now. I need you more than ever.”
But what can I do, man? I’m just the man inside the mirror.